Sunday, January 1, 2012

For peace of mind, women older than 50 should be banned from driving

              

Today I had 15 minutes to drive to my next appointment and it is a good 25 minutes away. What did I do? I ran to the bathroom mirror glanced at my make-up and hair, turned sideways, patted my tummy and exclaim, “Not bad! You still have it!” After giving my appearance a quick check I grabbed my purse and keys and bolt for the door.

Once inside my car I buckled my seat belt, turned the key and began backing out of the garage. Just when I reached the driveway the morning sun in all of its radiance glinted off of the rearview mirror and on to my face. To my horror, I saw a GRANNY HAIR! Yes, I said it…A granny hair.

For you that are not familiar with the term granny hair, a granny hair is a coarse black or gray hair located on the chin or upper lip that will typically appears sometime in a woman’s fifth decade of life. Granny hairs send chills of terror up and down the spines of those unfortunate souls who experience them, resulting in frantic searches for tweezers and plucking action that would rival a ninja warrior.

As I am about to grab the granny hair with very determined fingers, I happen to glance at my jaw line. Is that the beginning of a jowl? I quickly adjust the angle of my rearview mirror. Much to my chagrin, the jowls are still there. Instantaneously, I place my pointer fingers at the back of my jaw near the base of my ears and give a gentle upward tug. The jowls disappear. I AM GETTING OLD AGE JOWLS!

I don’t know why I just didn’t leave well enough alone and drive to my appointment, but I didn’t. Instead I began to examine my face with an eagle eye. What is going on with my neck? It looks like crepe paper. Suddenly, I realize what skin care companies are referring to when they claim their product will reduce the appearance of crepey skin. AUGH! I have crepey skin on top of granny hairs!

I must be a glutton for punishment because I began to examine my cheeks, eyes and forehead. Age spots? Oh please, not age spots! Baggy eye lids! I’m cursed. And lastly, I move on to brow furrows or more accurately, brow trenches! How come I never saw these in the bathroom mirror? Was I not just 10 minutes ago standing in front of the bathroom mirror and smugly saying to myself how good looking I was? Why does the rearview mirror hate me!

Being a woman of action, I quickly began formulating ways to combat my newly discovered aging. I could use layers of concealer to putty up my brow trenches and cover my age spots. And if that didn’t work I could separate my brow trenches with my thumb and pointer finger pretending to always be deep in thought. Yes, that’s what I could do; be like Rodin’s Thinker Statue only instead of fist to chin have fingers to forehead.

Having solved my brow situation I moved on to my jowls. Hum, what to do. How about an industrial strength banana hair clip? It could pull my hair back and my jowls at the same time. No. I couldn’t do that, what if one of the springs broke? It might disfigure me further.

What about duct tape? It fixes everything for my husband. I could duct tape my jowls up and grow my hair out to cover the tape. And while on the subject of tape, why not use double sided tape to lift my bagging eye lids.

Even after developing my personal anti-aging strategies one question remains, What is it about rearview mirrors???!!!

Perhaps the simplest solution is for women over 50 to swear off driving for peace of mind!

Below are some inexpensive home beauty treatments that can be found in your pantry

Tightening mask for large pores:

Egg Whites- Beat the white of an egg lightly. Apply the beaten egg white to skin. Allow to dry. Remove with warm wash cloth. Follow with cold water, toner and skin cream of choice.

Skin moisturizers:

Coconut oil- Coconut oil makes a great facial, hand or general skin cream.

Avocado- Smash an avocado and pat on face. Allow to dry about 1/2 an hour. Remove with a warm wash cloth. Follow with cold water, toner and skin cream of choice.

Facial scrub:

Rolled Oatmeal Scrub- Wet face with warm water. Moisten a small amount of rolled oatmeal in the palm of your hand. Using circular motions gently rub your skin with the oatmeal. Remember to never apply facial scrub to the delicate skin surrounding your eyes.

Hair rinse:

Vinegar- Mix 1/2 cup of vinegar in a pitcher of water. After shampooing rinse hair and scalp with vinegar solution to remove any residue.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha! You're funny. Best looking AARP member I know. ;)

    ReplyDelete